Born to Run Considered as a Quarterly Report
“I’m pulling out of here to win,” says CEO Mr. Rat, who looks forward to meeting with shareholders at the company’s annual meeting next week in Harlem.
Author’s Note: The year 2025 has raised many questions, not all of which have been answered by the observances and symposia surrounding the fiftieth anniversary of the release of Bruce Springsteen’s Born to Run album. Specifically, if blasphemy and political sacrilege no longer produce libidinal discharges in incumbent decision makers, what might? It is suggested that targeted cultural irreverence could administer the necessary shock to the ossified cohort. Alfred Jarry and J.G. Ballard provide the blueprint.
Jungleland pivoted in the quarter to focus on the development of intelligent, mobile units capable of motivating a variety of autonomous vehicles–with consumer, military, and law enforcement applications–now at its new state-of-the-art Thunder Road facility.
Two new products were introduced in the period: Mary and Wendy.
Mary was added to the company’s portfolio via acquisition of Screen Door LLC, in which the company had previously invested. There were other bidders, including General Motors. Mary enjoyed a successful launch and shipped in several new vehicles during the period via retro-fitted front-seat installation. Reception was generally positive, though some found the units less than attractive, leading to later under-hood mountings.
Regulatory concerns around the acquisition have been resolved with the departure of Mr. Scooter and the assignment of an independent corporate monitor. (Referred to in subsequent filings as “the Big Man,” for reasons of national security.)
Wendy, launched at the end of the quarter, offers much greater integration, thanks to an innovative design that distributes the unit’s hardware across the rims and engines of most vehicles. The company believes that this will be the lasting legacy of its inventor, Screen Door LLC founder Mr. Terry, whom we lost last month. (His passing, being the subject of an open investigation, cannot be commented upon further.) The launch was supported by a national media campaign featuring the instantly recognizable tagline: “Wendy: She’s the One.”
An internal investigation has determined that former CFO Ms. Cherry’s claims of malfeasance are without merit.
In short, the company is well-positioned to face a competitive marketplace and clear regulatory hurdles in the coming quarter. “I’m pulling out of here to win,” says CEO Mr. Rat, who looks forward to meeting with shareholders at the company’s annual meeting next week in Harlem.
Brilliant and hilarious