I Have Never Seen a James Cameron Movie

An annual Oscar night performance.

Original Piranha II: The Spawning fan art by @loureedsnephew.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following is an advance transcript of a conversation I will have with the attendees of whatever Oscar party I attend Sunday, a conversation I have had every Oscar night of my adult life.

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The red carpet coverage gives way to a comedic skit reviewing the year’s top movies and celebrating more than a century of “movie magic” until, inevitably, a scene from Titanic appears.

I: (Casually.) You know, I’ve never seen Titanic.

THEY: (In unison.) What!?! You’ve never seen Titanic?

I: No. I’ve never seen it. Actually, I’ve never seen a James Cameron movie.

THEY: What? That’s impossible. You haven’t seen Avatar?

I: No.

THEY: You must have seen Aliens.

I: No. I have not.

THEY: You must have seen Terminator.

I: I agree it seems like I should have, but I somehow missed it and now I can’t watch it. I have to protect the streak.

THEY: Terminator 2?

I: No.

THEY: But you like movies. Especially sci-fi movies.

I: I know. But I’ve decided to become the control group: the sci-fi fan who has never seen a James Cameron movie. They can study my brain when I’m dead.

THEY: The Abyss?

I: No.

THEY: True Lies?

I: No.

THEY: (Half-heartedly.) Piranha II: The Spawning?

I: Not even Piranha II: The Spawning.

THEY: Wow, I guess you really never have seen a James Cameron movie.

I: I told you.

All sit in stunned silence until Best Picture is announced and we are free to go home.