I Have Never Seen a James Cameron Movie
An annual Oscar night performance.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following is an advance transcript of a conversation I will have with the attendees of whatever Oscar party I attend Sunday, a conversation I have had every Oscar night of my adult life.
The red carpet coverage gives way to a comedic skit reviewing the year’s top movies and celebrating more than a century of “movie magic” until, inevitably, a scene from Titanic appears.
I: (Casually.) You know, I’ve never seen Titanic.
THEY: (In unison.) What!?! You’ve never seen Titanic?
I: No. I’ve never seen it. Actually, I’ve never seen a James Cameron movie.
THEY: What? That’s impossible. You haven’t seen Avatar?
I: No.
THEY: You must have seen Aliens.
I: No. I have not.
THEY: You must have seen Terminator.
I: I agree it seems like I should have, but I somehow missed it and now I can’t watch it. I have to protect the streak.
THEY: Terminator 2?
I: No.
THEY: But you like movies. Especially sci-fi movies.
I: I know. But I’ve decided to become the control group: the sci-fi fan who has never seen a James Cameron movie. They can study my brain when I’m dead.
THEY: The Abyss?
I: No.
THEY: True Lies?
I: No.
THEY: (Half-heartedly.) Piranha II: The Spawning?
I: Not even Piranha II: The Spawning.
THEY: Wow, I guess you really never have seen a James Cameron movie.
I: I told you.
All sit in stunned silence until Best Picture is announced and we are free to go home.



Ha! This is great. I have never seen a Paul Thomas Anderson movie and don't really want to, so I'll be borrowing the phrase "protecting the streak" from this point forward.